Colin's Foam:

It's 3 am, the kids are sleeping and it's time to SHOP! Today we have three of the most wonderful items on the market today...I have no idea how I survived this long without them Colin! Say Colin, what's that you have there? Oh wait don't tell me....is that what I think it is? It's the revolutionary, new to America, I think they originated in Canada (Colin smirks) ... hemorrhoid cushions. "I don't blame you for holding them like that either Colin, these have been very poopular, I mean popular around the office" All you do is put this velvety soft item right under your bum....(demonstrates and smiles) doesn't that feel great? But this does more than just cushion you as you sit. As we know when one has hemorrhoids, It can put a damper on the "relationship," if you know what I am saying....The best part about this item is that, not only will it soothe your rhoids, but (and no pun intended) it vibrates! Making you feel like you are being touched all over those special areas by a dozen hands........And so you do not feel alone or like you are doing anything perverted (nervous laugh), you get TWO of these. One for you and your significant other. This way you both can enjoy the soothing tendrils as you hold hands. I don't know about you Colin, but I am thinking about getting one of these for myself and I don't even have hemorrhoids!!!!!

saw horses:

Looking at the next item.... "Colin, we know it is hard being a parent and trying to teach your children about the birds and the bees." You know what I am talking about--what goes where and who does what....What better way to teach your precious cargo but with the new Sawhorse Sex teachers. Not only will you have the sawhorses to actually position and show the different moves, better than any Kuma Sutra book, but as you and your child are talking about 'sex' you are also spending quality time together say building a table, or I don't know, something fun for the whole family"-but hopefully not a baby crib (laugh) Colin, how much do you think an ingenious item like this should be worth? Well, I'll tell you. Just 3 easy payments of $49.76. Yep, its very easy for us to take your payments.

Phone/Shaver:

Ohhhhh Colin.....do you know what is next? I just bought myself one of these. It is a dual shaver/cell phone. Did you ever get one of those phone calls that you just DID NOT want to receive and your cell phone reception for the first time ever seems to be coming in clear? Well, not anymore. Say you are driving and the phone rings, UH oh its the bill collector-you want to get off the phone, but you really have no excuse...or do you? It may be a sunny day outside without a cloud in the sky, but all you have to do is switch on the shaver and all of the sudden you are in the eye of a thunder storm....UH oh Mr. bill collector I am losing you....bad reception..."what I can't hear you....." The sound that this shaver makes you sound 100% believable! Colin: Hey Mary, when I called you yesterday, you said it was raining too hard then we got disconnected...... Me: (looking at Colin and continuing)....Rightttt, Anyway, Colin, IT will work every day or your money back. Thats right we will actually save the exact money that you sent to us, and return it to you. Don't ask why or how...just say WOW!